It is always the smartest decision to take a u-turn as soon as we distrust our path. It is never too late for u-turn.
Taking the U turn is not the manifestation of instability. It is a sign of union involvement and affirmation. Rainbow beautifully takes the u-turn after a small wavy effort to touch the sky. Busting up has always helped to look at the clear picture and know the influence of people around us.
Dr Sanjay Jain, my mentor andpsychologist in Jaipur recommended me to take a small break from my wavering relationship. His couple therapy sessions encouraged me to maintain mental stability and reconsider the biological, psychological aspects of human behaviour while indulging in a relationship. With this wisdom it became quite logical for me to take the u-turn and comprehend the bleakest hope of making things work between me and my spouse.
I solicited all the answers for the queries flickering my mind. Why do we fall in love, why do one attract us, why do we make a commitment and then fall out of it? When we can see the pristine cause of these things, it becomes easier to make even a crippled relationship work.
What is love?
Love, marriage and divorce, is phenomenal only when two people are involved. But the new axiom of self love, self marriage and independency contrast the basic process of human evolution.
It’s scientifically proven that every human being is always attracted towards evolution. Whenever you see the slightest chance of growth, a better life, a chemical reaction stimulates our mind and we feel ecstasy while being in that feeling. The chemical reactions happening when you meet someone stimulates dopamine, serotonin, estrogens, and norepinephrine, respective hormones for happiness, anxiousness, passion and adrenaline rush.
Who can cause the stimulation in our mind?
Or in other words why we fall for certain people. Good looks, the sense of humour, intelligence don’t attract many of us. There is something else in our subconscious mind that works as the magnet towards our choice.
1) According to research it is certain you like or get attracted to the person you keep meeting regularly.
2) Another study suggested that our subconscious mind gets attracted to the reason that we assume to help in our evolution. As a human being we always crave to evolve, we always want more, be more. We set basic standards for ourselves and anything or anyone who could help us uplift from there; we fall for them and want them around us.
Then, why do divorces happen?
If they say love is blind, they mean that we don’t care to see the complete picture. We get attracted by few qualities like maybe their health, wealth or kindness, or maybe sometimes only because other people adore him or her. But when we commit, we are comfortable in our relationship until the partners are helping each other to evolve. When any partner feels festered, they lose interest in each other and this often leads to infidelity.
We even miss chemical reactions and hormones in our body responsible for making our life exciting and passionate by giving happiness, pleasure, excitement and adrenaline rush.
How mental stability helped me to take a U-turn in a relationship?
A stable mind is neither too happy nor too sad.
A stable mind does not overreact or give any reaction. Even when there is a blast of hormones in your body a stable mind keeps itself neutral and understands everything is temporary and nothing lasts forever.
A stable or thoughtful mind is what you need while deciding. We then know what to do when things are not fine.
I would have seen the clear picture and would have fallen out of the relationship or would have made a better judgement in the first place.
But now when I am married and a mother of 2, matters have gone out of my hand. I would have again burst out with no outlet for aversion during this lock down. I sat, and I re-examined everything.
Dr Sanjay Jain, the psychiatrist told me it was me who keeps on pushing my limits. Sometimes the other person is not ready to push his limits and help you grow. And this is the time when I need to calm down and help him to grow. Things will just turn out to be fine.”
Mental stability, Childhood and divorce?
Divorce is not always about incompatible relationships, sometimes it might be because of your childhood. Amy Bloom a writer and psychiatrist says that“Every couple has the same five arguments in their lifetime, which is really just the one, over and over, until people die or divorce. What it is depends on who you are and what your parents did to you,”.
Does the problem between husband and wife have to do with how your childhood was, how your parents behaved with you? Is betrayal, infidelity, incompatibility just trivial statements to the wrecked personality developed over the years?
To my bewilderment, it came out to be true to some extent. Some parents are too rigid in passing the value of being right and disciplined that they sometimes leave the virtue of being happy unattended. As a growing child, I was making mistakes; I was mischievous; I was smart, but I was always corrected and was groomed to just be the right kind rather than a happy kid.
Since then I have always been a right child. I chose right clothes, right school, right friends, right life partner, after assessing all the special norms required. But that concrete foundation of being right easily got cracked with anyone who showed any affection towards me and made me happy after a very long time. The offspring of the rebel took no time to blossom with the affection which was missing.
After counselling sessions I could understand the real crux of my problem, and I was certain to make things work. Child psychologists also affirmed that how we grow up and our grooming makes a great impact on our marriage life.
Last week we had a boisterous argument that went on for hours. My 12-year-old daughter and 13 year son locked themselves in the room, trying to avoid the bitter truth of their life. They believe that their parents can’t tolerate each other. The bitterness between us was affecting their smile. I can’t let this happen. My husband is not a bad person. He is just not ready to move with my pace. By slowing down it might take some more time to complete the journey, but I can choose to enjoy it with my family. I took a u-turn to be with my family again.
